im having a threesome with these popsicles
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
