I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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