Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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