Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
