Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
