Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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