The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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