I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
