he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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