That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
