Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
