the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
