Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
how does that bad decision feel?
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