What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
