just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
