I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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