How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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