I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
