I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
