i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I just want nice things and good sex
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
