Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
so much tequila, so little girl.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
