Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
