my soul wont recognize me after tonight
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
