I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
