Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Randomize
