Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
