Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
