First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
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