I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
