I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
