listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
