Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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