So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
