Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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