i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
