just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
