the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
