Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
