I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
