I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
