I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
