im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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