apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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