Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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