I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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