Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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