fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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