I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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