I didn't shave. On purpose
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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