i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
