Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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